Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me.
I used to be SO easily frustrated that I almost forgot how far I've come in my journey. Working as a litigator and constantly being in an adversarial position with not only other attorneys but also with my own client, I was always stressed out, putting out fires and never felt appreciated. When your client is the branch of the city of New York charged with protecting children and keeping them safe, there is not a lot of "easy" decisions or moments...and things can get heated really quickly.
I have always had hard time focusing, so when I get in the zone and then get distracted, my knee-jerk reaction used to be to snap at the offending distractor, cutting them down with dismissive words and sharp tone. Coupled with my complete and utter lack of poker face, this kind of reaction understandably got me in hot water with colleagues, friends and family, and I had to spend a lot of time giving guilt-ridden apologies to my loved ones and coworkers for being so callous and dismissive of their feelings.
In the past two years, I've been focusing on feeding my body and mind with positivity and healthfulness. Surrounding myself with people who inspire me, lift me up and share my vision, dreams and passion to help other people grow in the same way. Spending time with personal development daily. It's not just about the meal plan and workouts. The amount of personal growth I've experienced in this and every areas of my life is massive. I no longer get to that place of frustration and lashing out - at least not on the daily basis that I used to...
But I'm human.
Last night I was leading a training for new coaches and I was trying my best to focus on the task at hand with a bunch of noise around me. I was exhausted and overwhelmed by the end of it, and when a friend was trying to be playful and sneak a funny picture behind me, I totally snapped at him as an older sister would an annoying little brother. I immediately felt guilty when, instead of taking offense, he sat down and tried to help me with my presentation.
So what's the lesson? Patience. With myself and those around me. Letting it go, and concentrating on all the kindness surrounding me. Owning my shortcomings and recognizing how far I've come.
For that, I am immensely grateful to be part of this family that I've found. A family that gets me, that is willing to put themselves aide to pitch in and help me get through when I'm not at my best. Who love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am.
And later that night when I apologized, he made fun of me in a way that only an annoying little brother can. That moment when I snapped was captured on camera. And instead of harping on it and beating myself up about it as the old Jaime would, I laughed. Heartily and fully.
And even though it's not a quality of mine I like to talk about or cop to, I'm sharing it.
We all have our shit.
Ignoring it and diminishing it doesn't serve us. It's only when we shine a light on it, call it out and work on it (and laugh at it), that we grow.
I choose to grow.
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