I know you're used to seeing me post all kids of positive and empowering stuff. I'm sure that gets annoying. So here's a little something different coming out of the introspective plane I seem to be existing in -- stop me if you've heard this one before.
My goal isn't always to be happy. I've suffered from "depression." By that I mean I've felt a depressed mood and had a sad affect. There are days I feel it. We're so quick to put a label on something. And dole out pills to fix it. I'm not saying that diagnosis and treatment of mental illness is unnecessary. I'm just saying that in my personal experience it's far too overreaching and as a society we are too quick to jump to that conclusion rather than sit with it and figure out what's really going on. Not every sour mood is clinical depression. Not every passing negative thought needs to be "treated." Or "cured." Sometimes the struggle is where we learn our lessons, if we learn to be patient and sit with it a while. Now I'm not suggesting anyone should flush their pills and block their shrink's number from their phone - in fact I'm fascinated with psychology and I believe therapy is very much a necessary and underutilized tool. I'm just sharing that in my personal experience, there's more to it than that quick fix we've come to expect in the 21st century in a post-industrial society.
I feel everything. There's no better phrase in the English language I can think of to describe it other than that. (And, as I'm sure you can already tell if you follow me, being a litigator by way of English lit major, I pride myself on $10 words). But back to the point: sometimes I get caught in a cycle of negativity - which for me is a whole lot of "feeling" down: perpetual thoughts of what I've done or said wrong that day, week, year, lifetime...circling down the drain. It's exhausting. I used to always think there was something wrong with me when I got this way and that wouldn't help matters much - beating myself up for feeling down...way to go. I used sarcasm as a coping mechanism (I still do at times).
But then I started to realize that what appeared as my burden is actually one of my gifts. When I say that I feel everything, I mean that I feel everyone's energy. Yes, I'm getting metaphysical with you for a minute. I can do with that as I choose - now that I understand it. I can change it, I can transform it, I can just take it and ease their burden.
We are all products of our environment in some way, shape or form. It's what we DO with it that matters. I'm learning that I'm a messenger and agent of love. It's my namesake. The reason my name is spelled Jaime is because my mom at age 18 when she was pregnant saw "J'aime Paris" on a bumper sticker and felt moved. That's neither a coincidence nor mistake.
Why do I share all of this? I'm not sure - I just feel compelled to. Maybe I'll help someone somewhere get through a rough time. Maybe I'll help someone in their own path to self discovery.
But truly, this is me, sincerely, doing the best that I can. (That's an Ani Difranco reference if y'all don't know. And you should give her stuff a listen. She's powerful).
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